Ronco Proudly Presents...The "Iron Mike Turkey Fryer"
 
LOS ANGELES, CA - Just in time for the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, the highly innovative folks from Ronco, are about to unleash an all out infomercial assault on an unsuspecting American Public. Ron Popeil refers to the Iron
Mike Turkey Fryer as "the most significant impact product ever introduced from the Ronco stable." An impressive declaration from the man who brought us such memorable and revered products as "The Pocket Fisherman, " "Mister Microphone" and the "Inside the Shell Egg Scrambler!"
Ronco has been viewed by industry analysts as a fading star in the food appliance and gadgetry market ever since the introduction of the George Foreman Grill which has flourished under a competing label. As the "Lean Mean Grilling Machine" continues devouring Ronco's market share, the company is clearly becoming increasingly desperate to survive and to somehow reclaim the heavyweight title of "Appliance and Gadgetry King" it once wore so proudly.
Toward that end, the Ronco public relations machine has been working overtime cranking out publicity that is already generating a huge appetite for Ronco's newest product.
"We're putting the final touches on a knockout infomercial that will be ready to hit the living rooms of billions next week!" states Popeil, the crown prince of hyperbole.
The infomercial brings a new, irreverent, and cutting edge, in-your-face type of approach to the infomercial genre. Who better to serve as the spokesperson than Mike Tyson? "A potentially explosive, dangerous and extremely combustible product such as the turkey fryer demands a spokesperson equally as combustible and unpredictable. It's simply a stroke of unabashed marketing genius!" proclaims Advertising Week magazine who previewed the infomercial and marketing campaign in their most recent edition.
The concept represents innovative thinking at its finest and most devious. Ronco is positioning the Iron
Mike Turkey Fryer as the world's most dangerous appliance and are playing up the elements of danger as a desired selling point. Since men tend to be the consumers who purchase and use turkey fryers, they are pitching the product to appeal to an exaggerated sense of machismo. "If you don't cook your holiday turkeys in the Iron Mike Turkey Fryer, you obviously are deficient of an X chromosome!"
The diagram to the left demonstrates the Iron
Mike Turkey Fryer in action and at its best--a device that boldly claims to have invented and patented the exclusive "char-frying" process.
Mmmm…Mmmm!!! Char-frying a turkey in the Iron Mike Turkey Fryer is the only way to go! Seared inside the charred exterior is delectably moist turkey meat, the likes of which you have never before tasted…"it's a knockout!" proclaims Mike Tyson himself in the infomercial. Unlike conventional turkey fryers, the Iron
Mike Turkey Fryer relies on heating the oil to a blistering 934 degrees Fahrenheit.
1. Step one (left) shows the Iron Mike Turkey Fryer ready to receive the holiday fowl.
2. Step two shows the bird in the earliest stages of cooking. Remarkably the process only takes 25 - 30 seconds per pound. A 15 pound bird is done in an impressive 7.5 minutes.
3. Step three shows the Iron
Mike Turkey Fryer in full action and glory, just seconds before dinner is to be removed.
Using the Iron
Mike Turkey Fryer adds elements of fun, danger and intrigue, to an otherwise tepid, time consuming, and boring process. When using the Iron
Mike Turkey Fryer , the turkey is actually cooked faster than the mashed potatoes or any of the trimmings for that matter! No more need spending hours basting and carefully watching the bird. With the Iron
Mike Turkey Fryer , just pop in the turkey and within minutes, you are ready to eat…assuming you survive.
Consistent with the brilliant marketing and public relations plan, the Iron
Mike Turkey Fryer will be available for a single payment of $65.00. "A three installment payment plan for a device as potentially lethal as this just doesn't make sense…we'll never see the final two payments," quips a Ronco spokesperson. "Compared to other competing fryers on the market, which are obviously not nearly as dangerous and don't fully utilize the exclusive patented "Char-frying" process, this is a steal!"
But
wait, there's more! In addition to the Iron
Mike Turkey Fryer , those making the purchase in the next 30 days will also receive a free flame retardant suit as pictured above and a turbo jet fire extinguisher…a $210.00 value! But that's not all, Ronco is even throwing in a Fuji disposable camera so you can capture what could very well be your loved one's final moments as he heroically removes the turkey for the family dinner.
As Mike Tyson says, "This ain't no wimpy hamburger, grease removing health-food machine. It's an appliance for real men!"
John Youngblood is a part-time writer and humorist who believes
Thanksgiving is more hazardous today than it was for the Pilgrims.
For those first-time visitors to the site, whether you play tennis or not, please feel free to browse and spend lavishly!
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