The 2009 US Open came to a close yesterday. Arguably the most dramatic and unpredictable event in tournament history. The feel good story of Kim Clijsters was nearly eclipsed by the stunning upset of Roger Federer by Juan Martin Del Potro. We will fondly remember the run of the upstart American, Melanie Oudin as well as the shocking win of the US Mixed Doubles pairing of Carly Gullickson and Travis Parrott.
However, our crack research staff has uncovered several riveting stories that have gone unreported. Today we plan to blow the lid off the top untold stories of the US Open.
#1 Juan Martin Del Potro powered by secret crush on Kim Clijsters. After the stunning upset of the world’s number one, Juan Martin confessed that he drew extra focus and motivation by visualizing himself dancing with the woman’s champion at the US Open Champion’s Ball. “I just kept thinking how fabulous it would be to perform the Argentine Tango with Kim. That vision was the power behind my forehand today.” When told that the US Open does not have a Champion’s Ball like Wimbledon, Del Potro lost it. He threatened to stuff a bleeping tennis ball down the bleeping throat of whoever canceled the ball.
#2 Dolce files for emancipation from Maria Sharapova. According to his PR reps, he senses the decline of Maria’s career and has begun negotiating to join the Wozniacki team.
#3 Serena’s outburst was a carefully orchestrated PR move to help her gain easier access to talk shows for promoting her new book, “On the Line.” Her PR firm, Uncouth-R-Us, was also busy this weekend with another high profile client, Kanye West.
#4 Melanie Oudin inks a huge endorsement deal with a Florida based web development company based on advise of her 16 year old boyfriend and business manager. Neither of them realize until it is too late the name of the company that will appear on her shirt sleeves for the next 2 years is “Flash-in-the-Panhandle.”
#5 Project Runway mentor Timothy Gunn rushed to Mount Sinai Medical Center with a sudden onset heart arrhythmia after seeing what Clijsters was wearing in the finals.
#6 Disheartened by state of American Men’s Tennis, tennis fan George Steinbrenner issues memo to USTA urging them to loosen purse strings and acquire a star free-agent.
#7Â ESPN used stimulous money to hire the bevy of sideline and studio reporters to cover the US Open.
#8Â Novak Djokavic considers changing name to “Rudy Jeeter” so NY crowds will get behind him next year.
#9Â In spite of Clijsters success, Justin Henin decides to stay retired after realizing a comeback would severely curtail her access to jelly donuts.
#10. US Open officials openly wonder if the money they save by switching to Geico might be enough to build a roof to cover Ashe Stadium?
